When I finally recovered from my experience with the narcissist I met online I asked myself ‘ What signs did I ignore?’ Now thinking back I realize that there were many, and because I don’t want you to go through the same thing – I will share the signs that I missed or ignored. This article will be written from an online point of view and mostly covers dating, but apply to physical and friendship relations as well. With these tips, you will spot a toxic person miles away and don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
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Sign that someone is a toxic person
1. They lie
They do it well, and often. At first, you think ‘It’s just one lie’, they tell you it’s because they don’t want to hurt you, or they are afraid of your reaction if they tell the truth, but think about it; people rarely lie to spare you, friends and family might, but a stranger you met online won’t. No, they lie cause they don’t want you to leave or cause they want something from you.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
2. Their story makes no sense
The story keeps changing or there are discrepancies in the story. They tell you that they are in a divorce, but they still go on vacation with there spouse? HELL NO, get out now! They will tell you that it’s something they have to do, and they really don’t want to but what they actually mean is ‘ I want the safety of my spouse, but I also want some cake on the side, and you my love make some excellent cake’.
3. They gaslight you
You catch them on a lie or they do something you don’t like, and you want to talk about it like an adult person, but instead of listening to you; somehow it becomes all your fault and before you know it you’re buried with the guilt of everything you did wrong. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often used by narcissists and sociopaths to shift the blame to anyone but them.
4. They disappear all of a sudden
Big chance their spouse caught them texting and now they are being watched. When they come back they have this dramatic story on how they had an accident and how much they missed you. If you meet someone online and they disappear all of a sudden for hours, days or even weeks, you have to ask yourself what they are hiding.
5. It’s too good to be true
They paint this beautiful fairytale you get caught up in, fantasizing about what your life would be like. Stop right there! ask yourself ‘Can this person make this happen?’ and ‘Have they shown me anything that proves this?’ Thousands of people get caught up in fairytales, the thing about fairy tales, they are just that; a tale. Keep your head cool and remember, the only person that can make you happy is you.
If something seems to good to be true, it usually is.
6. They gift things
Getting free stuff doesn’t seem like a bad thing right? Well, it can go two ways; one, they want something in return later and guilt trip you to give it, or two, they use it as an argument when you are mad at them or caught them in a lie ‘but love, I gave you so many gifts that show I’m a good person’. Giving people things doesn’t make you a good person when you ask something in return, it only shows you like to buy people off.
7. They ask you to do things your not comfortable with
If they start asking you for money or anything else you don’t want to give to a ‘stranger’, think twice. There are so many predators out there looking for ‘weaknesses’ to exploit, toxic people are artists in getting what they want, and they will use anything. They come up with a sad story; how their aunt Marie needs chemotherapy and they will ask you to donate or how their salary is a week late and they have nothing to eat.
8. They do unethical things
They show you inappropriate pictures of their spouse you don’t want to see, but their spouse sucks, and now they have to be humiliated. ‘She assaults me if I want to hug her’ is something my narcissists use to say. Like that somehow made things right for showing naked pictures and videos of her passed out. There is a whole group of people out there that get a kick out of humiliating their spouses. If you ever meet someone like that; block that person, even if you feel so good around them, if they do this with their (ex)spouse they will do this to you. They have no boundaries, imagine what else they are capable of.
9. They are very pushy
They want something, and they want it now. You met them three days ago, and they already asked for your number 10 times. They don’t respect your boundaries, and everything is about their needs. Don’t do anything your not comfortable with, if they don’t respect your boundaries, they are not worth it.
10. They are serial daters
You know these guys with pick up lines like ‘I’m a gentleman in the street, but a freak in the sheets’?
Count on it they are a freak in the streets as well. They like to tell you how many girls they have been with and how everyone loves him. He might sound interesting and thrilling, but he’s not. You don’t want to be a number on someone’s list no matter how nice and amazing he seems.
11. They hurt you
If they make you feel you are less than them and you’re lucky to have their attention it should be a big NO. Some toxic people like to play games, and they don’t care who ends up being hurt. Don’t let them play a game with your heart. There are people out there that will love you for who you are and won’t play games with you; it’s worth the wait.
12. They see other people
Unless you are ok with that, don’t settle for it. If you want an exclusive relationship and they can’t promise you one, look somewhere else. Plenty of other amazing people out there that are ready for commitment.
13. They are overly charming
Every relationship with a narcissist starts the same way; they lovebomb you. Everything about you is fantastic, they can’t live without you, and they need you in their life. If you feel that they are overly charming, try to keep your head cool and look at their behavior. If it doesn’t feel right, follow your gut.
14. Promises without follow-up
They promise you the world, but nothing ever happens. You know the saying ‘Actions speak louder than words’? Remember that, cause it’s true. Toxic people will promise you things, but as long it’s not backed up with action, it’s just one big charade.
15. Everything is always about them
Their needs matter more than your boundaries, You feeling beautiful makes them insecure or you being busy makes them feel worthless. Another red flag you’re dealing with a narcissist. The world is all about them you know, haven’t you got the memo? If you meet someone that only wants to talk about what matters to them or does things that are not ok, but they tell you your opinion doesn’t matter cause it is what they need, you might want to make a run for it.
What to do if you are in a toxic relationship
If you read this and you’re already involved with someone that exhibits toxic behavior you should think twice about what you want to do. I’ve been there, I know how hard it is to get out, but you need to think about what is right for you. It will hurt a lot, but in the end, you will be so much happier. Better to deal with it now than to be discarded later.