Relationship with a narcissist
The day I met the narcissist
It was March. I had gone through a challenging year. I moved to a new city, and I hadn’t made any friends yet. So I started to play an online game to pass the time. My new friends invited me to an online talking app called Line. We had a group chat with all the people from the server, and this is where I met the narcissist.
I will call him Charles from now on. Charles was a guy that got a lot of attention. He wasn’t necessarily handsome but even from seeing him chat you could tell he was a charismatic person. Everyone really liked him. He traveled a lot for work and he loved showing everyone what he was experiencing. The first time I met him he was showing pictures from his work trip to Hawaii. The group was very intrigued and he loved the attention he was getting. Charles stayed the center of attention for the entire night.
About a week later Charles started a private conversation with me. He was very nice and interested in me. I immediately felt very good chatting with him. He was a real flirt so I asked him if he was in a relationship. Charles told me he was together with a girl for 11 years, unhappily married for 3 and he was getting a divorce. He said they both worked so much they rarely saw each other. He assured me his marriage was over.
For two weeks we chatted every day. I noticed that he was very clingy. After 2 days I was his best friend and he told me about his marriage, how he got pushed into it, how it made him unhappy and how he would like to disappear somewhere. His work was very important to him though and it was what kept him going
After another two weeks, he told me that he had feelings for me. I started to develop feelings for him as well but, we only knew each other online. We lived halfway across the world and he was still married, so I told him I wanted to stay rational
the first red flag
The next day he went to Miami for work and this was the first time he called. He told me he admired my positivity and that he really enjoyed talking. During his time away from home I noticed that he was very flirty with other girls as well. When I asked him about it, he said my mind was making stuff up. When he noticed I was pulling back he told me the truth. He was in love with two other girls as well.
This should have been my cue to run, but I didn’t. Instead, I told him he should make up his mind. He got really upset and told me how his wife abused him when he tried to be intimate, how he almost drowned and how he drank a lot cause of how unhappy he was. I spent the entire night talking to him and making him feel better. He told me how sorry he was and he would call me the next day to make it up to me.
The next day two girls invited me to a group call, to talk about him. At this moment it was obvious to me that he played us all. Instead of calling me when he woke up, he called one of the other girls and tried to get her to stay. When that didn’t work for him, he called me. I told him to leave me alone. Charles spent the entire day begging me to forgive him. He cried and told me how lonely and sad he was. At the end of the day, I said I would give him one last chance but as friends.
Pulling me in
Fast forward one month later
He spent the month telling me how much he cared for me, what a fantastic guy he was and he would forever prove to me that he was sorry and that I was worth everything to him. He seemed sincere, so I told him we could take things slow and see what happens. Charles went on a business trip for the week, and the next day we had a video chat for the first time. We talked for four hours, he was so charismatic, he said all the right things, and at that moment, I let my guard down.
That week we video chatted daily. He told me how special I was to him and how happy he was that we met. Other people became involved in our romance. He said to people in the group chat that he fell in love with me, how amazing I was and how happy I made him. I thought, ” this guy is great. He is showing everyone how much he likes me. It must be true! ”
The narcissist became visible
This went on for a few weeks until things started to change. He was getting possessive. If I didn’t answer him in a few seconds, he would ask me what I was doing. If I was chatting with someone else and if I still loved him. I would apologize and tell him whatever he wanted to hear. I chatted with another guy, a friend, he was very suspicious of Charles, and somehow Charles knew, and he forbid me to talk to my friend.
In May Charles went to London for work and he asked me to join him. I wanted to meet him very much but my gut kept telling me something wasn’t right. I ran a background check and I found his Facebook profile and what I saw broke my heart He had a profile picture of him and his wife and lots of wedding pictures. He told me that she forced him to put them online and he didn’t want to cause any problems. He said he was still going to leave her but he was emotionally and financially dependant on her and his family loved her so much. It wasn’t easy to divorce her. I thought it was weird because he made enough money on his own, but he convinced me that he was speaking the truth. He said, ” I never promise anything unless I can keep that promise. And I promise you that I will divorce her and that we will be together.” I decided not to go to London.
Trying to end the relationship
After I realized he had lied to me again I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to be involved with a man who was in an active marriage. When I told him I was breaking up with him he used my weakness against me. He told me he couldn’t longer talk to me if I didn’t want to be his. He sends pictures of him crying and he told me he couldn’t live without me. Charles also mentioned that he had a whole collection of private information on me. From this moment the manipulation became more visible. My gut told me to run but I cared for him and I didn’t want him to leave. So I decided to believe him. I told him he got one more chance, but he had to prove to me that he was serious about ending his marriage.
Second guessing everything
After that, things became worse. In London, he got mad at his wife cause she wouldn’t text him back instantly. I noticed he drank a lot and he would get verbally aggressive. I started to second guess a lot of things he told me about his marriage. He would involve my friends in arguments we had. He would tell them that I was being sensitive and making a drama out of nothing. Charles saw himself as the victim.
At this point he had me feeling so small. I never even met this guy, but talking on video chat daily for months has really taken its toll on me. He would accuse me of things I didn’t do and I would end up apologizing and second guessing myself. The worse part was that he was the only person that could make me feel better. Charles was gaslighting me.
It became so bad that I barely slept for months. He lived in Florida, so we had a 6 hour time difference. He threw a fit if I wanted to sleep, threatening to call other girls, telling me I didn’t care about his feelings. I slept 2 hours a night, at the end I was so sleep deprived that I couldn’t think straight anymore.
Things went from bad to worse. He started humiliating his wife by sending compromising pics of her and videos of her passed out, he got some kind of kick out of it, but whatever he did, and no matter how bad I felt about his behavior, I didn’t want him to leave, even though my entire mind kept screaming that this guy was a psychopath.
the end of our relationship
One day Charles casually told me that he and his wife were going on a vacation. It confused me ” Why would he want to go on a vacation with someone he doesn’t even like?” He told me that she booked the trip and he had no say in the matter. I asked him if he would fall back in love with her. Charles told me that I didn’t have to worry. He still wanted to divorce her. He would call me every day and after his vacation, he would have less work stress and things between us would be better again.
A few days into his vacation I was confronted with lots of romantic pictures of him and his wife at their 5-star romantic resort in Mexico. He posted them in the group chat for everyone to see. It was disrespectful, to me and his wife. She had no idea what was going on for months. he had us both wrapped around his finger. This time I put my heels in the sand and told him. “Charles, this what you are doing it’s not okay”. I want to know what’s going on. Of course, he said I was being sensitive. He just liked to show everyone what a good time he was having.
The next day I woke up to him being sweet as usual. He loved me so much, and he was going home that day, and things would be all good again. I was still in a ‘meh’ mood, being distant and trying to focus on other things. At the end of the day, he was acting strangely. Somehow I ruined his day, and he didn’t know what he had to do with me. The next time we spoke, he ended the relationship. He didn’t regret anything, but he realized he had to make his marriage work.
Looking for answers
I was trying to rationalize what had happened, but I couldn’t. After a few days, I asked him what happened, but I never got a reasonable answer. He said he wanted to be friends and he cared for me, but he couldn’t make this work. When I asked more questions, he got mad, and he told me that, “I just had to move on already.”
He still talked to me every day. I tried to move on, but it was hard. I blamed myself for what had happened. ” Am I not good enough? How can he be with his wife after everything he told me about her? Was everything a lie?” He had me doubting everything that had happened.
Months went by and Charles still talked to me every day, constantly repeating my name in every sentence. He was still manipulating me. He told me how much he cared for me and what a good person he is. But our friendship was on his terms. He forbade me to talk about the past or about how he hurt me or about anything else unpleasant. I was miserable. I still doubted myself. He wasn’t giving me any answers, but somehow he still wanted my attention. If I didn’t answer him, he would say, “Oh, so you don’t want to talk to me?” I still felt like he owned me. He also threatened me. He would say that he would ruin me if I told his wife about what had happened. I never even thought about telling her, but he seemed genuinely scared of it. I felt like he was only keeping me close to control me, so I wouldn’t speak up. Charles convinced me that it wasn’t the case and he truly cared for me.
the truth about Charles
Five days before my lowest point he told me he still loved me. Just before I was going into surgery. It made me angry. How can he say this now? Wtf is wrong with this guy? I blamed it on the alcohol. The day after the surgery I asked him about it and he said he just wanted me to feel good before my surgery. ‘The nerve on this guy’, I thought
During the time of our “friendship”, I received a few anonymous emails. On Christmas day I got an email with an attachment, it was a screenshot of a dating site, his picture, his information and a quote that could only be written by him. I realized He didn’t dump me to fix his marriage, no he just got bored with me. I became too big of a problem for him. For the first time, I was convinced that he wasn’t a good guy and that he had done this before.
So I did something I never thought I would do. I forwarded the message to a friend and she sends it to his wife. Literally one minute later he messaged me furious. How he was going to ruin me, how crazy I was and how we would never talk again. I would later find out that this was the best thing that could happen to me but at that point, I was lost. I felt guilty and I lost myself in this horrible PTSD episode. How my dad walked out on me, how I thought nobody would ever love me again. I saw no way out of this horrible nightmare and I slit my wrists.
The road to recovery
I hurt my family and friends that day. Nobody understood what had happened to me the last few months. How could I give a guy so much control over my life? Hell, I didn’t even understand it. Only thing I knew was that I wanted Charles to be my friend and care for me. No matter how much he lied or hurt me. Charles had me convinced that he was the good person and I was the pathetic, sensitive, crazy girl and I needed him.
A few months have passed, and now I can see Charles for what he is, a narcissist. He manipulated me since the moment he met me. He was never divorcing his wife. Charles just needed me to boost his ego, and he was willing to do anything for it. He didn’t care about the consequences for a second. Only his needs mattered.
I’m slowly healing. I’m working on boosting my mental and physical strength. Every day I’m feeling a little better, and I will never let anyone treat me like Charles did again. It was a hard lesson but a valuable one.
manipulation and abusive relationships
Abuse isn’t only happening in real life relationships. It’s happening more and more online. It’s easy to meet people all over the world and with modern-day technology. We can spend hours a day talking and developing relationships with anyone online. It’s very hard to see if you are being manipulated online. You meet someone, you talk to them daily. But what do you really know about this person? I hope that my story can help bring awareness. Open someone’s eyes. Manipulation is not ok, whether it’s in real life or online. It causes real harm and it is hard to recover from. If you are in any kind of abusive relationship please seek help. You are not alone.
*This is my personal experience and my own opinion. No person is the same; there are people with Narcissistic personality disorder, that are aware of the pain they cause others. This article is in no way trying to speak ill of anyone suffering from this disorder, nor the person I talk about in this article. NPD is a very serious disorder and people with this disorder should be supported to seek therapy*